From the Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast (02/23/17)
Oh, shit. I just thought of a good scene in a movie that I’m never gonna write. Alright so you get the Simply Safe system, you’re on the road and you check into your home to see what’s going on. Not only do you see somebody walking up to break into your house, it’s actually you. And you’re like, “What the fuck?! How can I be there, breaking into my own shit? Why would I be stealing my own shit?” And then you realize it’s the robot version of you. [Mission Impossible theme music plays]
You could sell that to Tom Cruise as he was walking to his jet. Just yelling through the chain link fence, “Tom! Simply Safe – you’re on the road, you see yourself breaking into your own house because you’re a robot!” He’d just stop halfway up the stairs and look over his shoulder like Bruce Willis in Die Hard and be like, “What did ya say?”
“I said it’s a fuckin’ robot! But it’s you so you’d play both of them so there’s a chance you’d win an Oscar!”
Then he’d be right up against the chain link fence, his nose poking thru one of the holes. You’d go to hand him the script and he’d say, “I’m sorry, you gotta go through the proper channels. It’s just the way it works.”
Now you’re on your way over to Scientology.
[Mission Impossible theme music plays]
Somebody with a big fuckin’ smile but a weird look in their eye greets you upon arrival.
“Mr. Cruise said you were going to come over with your robot movie about him.”
I’d be like, “Yeah, I was.” And they’d be like, “Would you like some tea?” And I’d say, “I’m not drinking fucking anything in this building, alright? Just take the fucking script.”